Jump to content
97cummins

Real Uses for tools (got this from db)

Recommended Posts

REAL USES FOR TOOLS

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name

implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a ***** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a *****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

ROUTER: Used for generating clouds of dust and peeling veneer faces off of plywood in massive splinters. Frequently used to create a single note ear ringing for true audiophiles.

Battery Drill - Used for puncturing speaker surrounds, and almost finishing a hole before battery death.

Air Compressor - Redneck shower hose. Frequently used to rearrange dust & debris on the floor. Or for locating those safety glasses...

Rubber Mallet - Used for sealing paint cans while creating Jackson Pollock murals on newly finished projects.

Hot Melt Glue - Used for creating temporary pink tattoos and doing SpiderMan impersonations.

Solder -Real Man's way to remove unsightly leg hair

Crimping Tool - Any pair of pliers that don't close right

Brad Nailer - Used for locating potential IV sites on fingers and hands

Work Bench - Any waist high horizontal surface in the shop piled with so much junk you can't see the top.

Crescent Wrench: Designed to make crescent shaped gouges in your knuckles after they slip off the bolt head. Larger crescent wrenches are available to make large gouges, should you so desire.

WOOD RASP: A metal bar covered with teeth engineered to abrade flesh more efficiently than wood.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. Also used to stir said paint after it is opened.

SPEED PEELER: The fastest way to remove the skin off a knuckle while trying to peel a potato

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have too many favorite tools then!

Is that why my kids don't know what the proper names are for tools . . . . . :popcorn:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



  • Upcoming Events

    No upcoming events found
  • Recently Browsing

    No registered users viewing this page.

×